Ch.4 - Learning as I Go

Figure things out as I go. Yeah, because that's the absolutely best way to go about this life; am I right?

Learning as I go rather than learning from someone with more wisdom than I.

Learning as I go rather than paying attention in the classroom.

Learning as I go rather than actually getting in the kitchen and letting my mom teach me how to cook.

Learning as I go rather than asking for help with budgeting when I got my first job.

Learning as I go…(fill in the blank).

Learning as I go has really how I've traversed the whole, sum, and parts of my life. Well, mostly that is.

I can literally remember my mom wanting to teach me to cook as a kid, and I just wouldn't do it. I straight up said no, I can't remember how many times. Can I cook now? Yes, absolutely. But only because I learned by being thrown into the fire as a young adult.

I was about 19 years old when I began working at a group home that housed approximately 12 boys in the foster care system. Part of my employ was to cook meals for those same 12 boys and three or four adult staff, including myself. Well, cooking for 15 people and using the wrong size knife for cutting vegetables will teach you real quickly what you need to know about cooking.

Cooking is only one example where I walked out on what I now call teachableness. There are so many other things I never learned.

And I just bet you're asking yourself a really good question: Just how does one know what they've never learned if they've never learned it?

Well, let me take a stab at the answer in my own kind of way. It's not like you wake up one day and say, oh, yeah, let's make a list today of all the things I've never learned in my life.

In fact, it's even less likely that you'll say; "Self, today let's take a moment and think back as far as possible in my memory and plan for all the things that I might one day need to know." I mean, who does that? Exactly! No one.

For some of you, you may now grab a piece of paper and pen to see if you could list anything from back when. Let me know how that works out for you. Maybe this writing can act as a blueprint to assist as you do.

Anyway, here's what IS true of a large majority of folks, especially those who "go with the flow" or should I say, prefer to chase butterflies down the field instead of that soccer ball. Think back to your four-year-old yesteryear. Is that you? We're not looking for any blueprint or list of things we've not learned. Instead, we butterfly chasers wake up and start the day never even thinking about what we might need to plan or prepare for the rest of the day. If we can't plan for the few hours in front of us, how in the world can we even consider the should haves or the could haves. Truth be told, we're still stuck on yesterdays, if I only would haves.

Here's an example that came up at this point in my writing on a trip I was taking with my husband while writing this very chapter. I was in Albuquerque, New Mexico visiting our oldest daughter, son-in-law, and grandchildren at the time, and this is how that particular day began.

It's 6:30 a.m. I'm all nestled in on one of the old couches in our kids' back den when my cell phone begins ringing. What time was it again? Yes, 6:30 a.m. I remember thinking in my mind, oh, no ma'am, in my most northerner southern style.

Now granted, Albuquerque, New Mexico's 6:30 a.m. is a little bit later than that of Central Time back in Texas; that's where the call originated. Nonetheless, the only ones allowed to make noise at that time of day, especially when I'm on some measure of vacation is the birds chirping, but all was still quiet throughout the rest of the house.

Now, did I say I was sleeping on one of the old couches in the back den at our childrens' house? I thought I did. There's nothing like sleeping on an old couch. I'd take that surface any day over a brand-new air mattress.

And before you jump up and ask why, just think about it. With that air-filled plastic under me, I'd be waking up at nearly every hour of the night out of concern that with each and every turn, I would launch my husband off the other side, or maybe suddenly I'd be teaching my dog, Chloe, without wings how to fly.

And then, consider this as well; I'd be waking up each and every time I roll over due to the sheer thought that the next roll, or the next, and yet the one after that, I'd roll myself off the side of that plastic air pocket onto the neighboring cold, hard floor.

So nope. No to the air mattress; old couches are the life for me.

I know, I know. I can already see that thought bubble rising up from you as you furrow your brow. But before spouting off about my old couch and air mattress views, let's get back to that 6:30 a.m. phone call I mentioned.

Here's the ultimate question that is likely coming at this part of the story. Did you answer the call?

No, I did not answer that call?

And before you start judging, do tell me, just what is it you would do?

For me and mine, each and every time the phone rings in our house before 8:00 a.m., no one is going to answer it. Well, unless it's preceded (or followed) by a text from one of our kids or grandkids indicating an emergency. Then and only then am I going to pick up the phone before 8:00 a.m.

So what did I do, you ask. Well, what everyone does before 8 a.m. I responded with a text. And not just any text but a rather direct text giving clarity to the time zone we were currently inhabiting.

And then, I text these very words, precisely: "The house here in Albuquerque is still quiet. I'll call later when I and all others in the house are actually awake."

With that text now sent and those things practiced, things I had already learned, I was now awake. I should have taken that call anyway.

And so blood now pumping and eyes wide open, I rose up off that old couch and put a start to my day.

Where's my duffle bag? First question came as my feet hit the floor. Right where you left it is usually the response I get. No need to deviate from what is our most standard question and answer.

So with the duffle located, I unzipped and flung open the wide flap. Digging through my clothes I packed, I do something else I always do: Wonder why I brought this shirt instead of that.

And then there's the reality that one never really packs enough socks. Maybe you do, but this one does not.

And sorry, but we're going to go here next? The very next question in the arsenal; Where's my underwear? Digging feverishly. Oh, silly me; here's a pair, and another, plus one more makes three. I learned my lesson on that one long ago. Take plenty. Underwear is something you don't want to rewear nor do without.

Grab that blue pair of shorts, the quite comfy ones, the green and white tie-dyed shirt, that says, Jesus is King. It reminds me of battles fought that I've already won.

Rearrange the clothes now, stuff them back in one-by-one. Smoosh them down, slide some over, press down, fold the flap, zip, pull tight, zip some more. All bag contents contained once again, now let's grab that shower.

Yes, I'll be honest, since COVID, a shower is not something I do every day. I have no idea why. Maybe that's another thing I have learned, showering daily is not an absolute necessity like I once believed. In fact, as a child we bathed only every Saturday eve. Maybe I'm reverting, the older that I get, to childhood memories, reminders of the things I thought I had forgotten. Those things I thought didn't matter then, they haunt my mind, my heart now most often.

So hold that thought, I tell myself, I'll come back to you soon. But first, take those meds, a few vitamins, supplements, then breakfast. Yes, one thing my mom taught me that took quite a while to learn, breakfast is quite necessary at the start of each day. She'd be proud to know eggs are often my morning choice protein. Captain Crunch has moved to later, usually mid-evening or right before bed. Captain Crunch, now my snack king.

Keep moving now. Dive into the day. Prepare my drink with that special favorite flavoring; hydration mix and ice water. I've laid off the coffee lately, despite how much I absolutely love it. Extra sugar and caffeine, leave for special occasions only. I've learned I feel better for it.

Play with the grands. Oldest grand to swim lessons. Run to Walmart. Order things from Target for that delivery forgotten.

Oh yes, that's another thing I've learned, most definitely. Oh how I miss those Target deliveries, now that we're living in small town Tennessee. Maybe I'll save money that way. Or will I? Time will only tell.

And then, wrapping presents, plural, for the oldest grand. Special wrapping paper, numbered gifts, because just one gift won't do. Gifts come with extra pieces and parts these days.

Younger grands, one toy, that's it, then we're through. This is the oldest grand's fifth birthday now, so she gets presents more. Count them with me, if you please: one, two, three, four, and doubled makes eight.

What's next? I'm beginning to sense there's something I've completely forgotten as I started this day. Oops, I did it again. I failed to pause, to grab my Bible, to start the day and pray. I have yet to sit quietly and just listen. The act of devotion, that's not really the problem. I learned at the age of 15 the pause, the listen, and the study of God's Word. All are so incredibly important. So it's not the act itself that I never learned.

It's something deeper that causes this struggle, I will say. And just as I was distracted by sharing the activities of my day, my attention was, for a short time diverted from what I started this chapter to say. So let's keep on moving. We've got to find which crack or crevice that contains an answer to my new struggle.

So let me shift my stance, re-engage my focus, position my floodlight once more here, down below.

Look, you see that? There's a crack right over there. That one, there in that wall. You see it? No, not that one. This one. This one here. I know. There are quite a few, I absolutely agree.

All of these seem superficial, quite shallow. Makes me think they're just a distraction. I feel like the ones we see in the walls, those are distractions, too. Do you think they were formed from a separate source, maybe an outside force? Maybe from a stress point or maybe life's challenges did their part. All I know is, at least initially, that's not what I'm looking for. It's not here in these walls.

How about over here. Just a few more steps this way; maybe three or maybe four. One, two, three…yes…oops! Be careful of that last step, four.

I tripped on something. My shoelace? Nope. Shoes are all tied snug in double knots. I was paying attention for that lesson way back when. Too many times landing on your noggin has a way of teaching you something at least.

What was that? Didn't you feel it? There. That. I felt it again. And there, there it is some more. Like all of a sudden, the entire foundation shifted down here below. You didn't feel it? Hang around long enough, I bet you will. Yours will shift, too, you just wait and see.

All right. Let's stop here. I'm trying to remember. Where was I? One, two, three…oh yeah, four. Counting to four.

One, two, three, four, once more. I think we're at something like 12 minus one or subtracting that random trip a second ago.

Look! What's that? This, did you say? No, I said that. That right there. Look at that. That spot there, my attention now, it's totally captured.

Stoop. Bend. Crack. That's how you know my knees landed on this cold, hard floor. It's made of cement. I might need some help getting back up after a few minutes of staying so physically bent.

(Pause.)

You know, I never gave that much, if any thought before. How could I not realize, how I could not even comprehend how much my position matters? On my knees, in this space, I definitely get a better view.

Let's position my floodlight now right here in front of me. Light up the day to where He's taking me. And there it is again, the shudder, the shimmer. I'm seeing something appearing right there. Is it an animal? A mineral? Nah, it's just a few letters coming together to form a word.

Did I just say that? A word is forming right here in my purview. Let me rub my eyes a second. Tell me, please, my friend, do you see it, too? You do see it, don't you? Oh, good. Thought I was really losing it for a second.

Okay. Hang on a quick second more. The word I've begun seeing, it keeps getting longer.

"God is that you? Is that you writing here in the floor right in front of me, no paper or pen?"

I've never seen anything like this before. So here I go, I'm digging in. Brushing away some dirt, dust, even cobwebs that have formed. A mouse scurries over my fingers, a chill runs up my spine. I've got to get some traps for those little furry things right after I read this word that's being inscrolled in the floor right in front of me.

And so, as I clear back the dust, first swipe I find, a D, an I, an S. First part to some word, I would venture a guess.

Scratching my head a bit. Let's chase that squirrel for a quick minute. Why do we humans scratch our heads when we don't know or understand something? I mean, what good does it really do?

And look, there's another letter more.

D-I-S-C.. Disc? That doesn't make any sense. What does a disc have to do with something I've never learned?

"God, do I need to search for a disc that contains all the things I never learned? Put the disc in a computer? Maybe AI can help me with this?"

No, I agree. This is not a place nor a thing where technology or gadgets will help with anything. So let's get back to the task at hand.

Clearing the dust and the dirt again. There's an I. A few swipes more. Swipe again, swipe again, there's a few letters more. D-I-S-C-I-P-L-.

Ha, ha. I hear you. You're attempting to guess what the letters spell? Maybe you're guessing what letter or letters are left. You think it's an E? Maybe so, but somehow, I'm guessing there's still even more letters to go.

And so let's continue to the crescendo.

A few swipes more. We'll both have to just wait and see.

D-I-S-C-I-P-L-I – nope, not an E. I was thinking discipleship. I guessed wrong. But, I was also right. I don't mean to rub it in.

Oh, wait, was that a pun just then?

Okay. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Let's continue. I need some time to focus in.

Wait a second, there's a couple letters more. An N. And then an…..E!

So let's put them all together now. Let's see if we have an actual word.

D-I-S-C-I-P-L-I-N-E.

Oh, I recognize that term. Recognize doesn't mean that I know what it means or that I have learned it. Lots of words I've seen in the course of my life that Webster would be more suited to define.

So here, let me grimace just a bit. This word, its definition, no one I know has told me they like it. None of us do if we're going to be truthful.

(Pause.)

Wish I hadn't brushed away the dirt to reveal this mess. Discipline, too many letters to be a dirty word, but somehow, it's lived down here, amidst all of the cobwebs, the mice, the dirt; in the thick of it. I guess it's time for me to ask Him. Time to get some clarity, zoom in for a better view.

"So, Jesus? Are you telling me that this is what I need to address? And before you answer, can I buy a different vowel? Trade out a couple consonants? Change the word ever so slightly? I prefer disciple over Discipline."

You're right. What good will a different vowel do? Disciple, it's still the root of discipleship.

Ouch, that stung a little.

"Jesus, it seems you've taken time to draw my attention here, writing something out of nothing in the middle of nowhere. Yet, there's so much more in plain view like this word I needed to find. I read you loud and clear, Lord, kneeling here on this cold hard floor."

(Pause.)

Let me try again…"but this word Discipline, it begs a question for me, just one question more. How does one learn Discipline? And no, I'm not going to pray to be more disciplined. Sorry, Lord, just being honest. You know what happens to we human beings when we pray for something, especially when it's a fruit of the Spirit we're missing. Pray for patience, it will be tested. Pray for Discipline…nope, not going to fall for that."

I can't argue with the fact, I do need to learn it.

So just how is Discipline learned anyway? Is it your parents, your teachers, your siblings, all the above, or is it more? And why do I even ask? It doesn't really matter now, does it? I'm not going to, at the age of 53, almost 54, try to determine who may have failed to teach me this specific thing.

Really, it comes back to just learning this thing. This is just the first of many, I'm sure, of all the things I never learned before.

Whoever the instructor would have been, should have been, could have been, doesn't really matter. What's truer than true, most utterly important is learning, Jesus, from you, the things I've never learned.

So Discipline, I speak to you now, specifically, I must not become distracted. I choose today to become a student and then a master. You are obviously important for my foundation or Jesus wouldn't have shone His floodlight on you. Without you and your practice, I'll continue to struggle. There's no time like the present to determine how to install you as my operating system.

Today, I give you full notice. Heed this warning. You're no longer going to dwell down here, underneath, the place we are most likely to forget.

It's time for you, Discipline, I see how you've settled in. You've tried to hide out. Yes, I see that big grin. So -- what is that? Is that a personal coffee maker you've even put in? Nah, not having that down here below. It's time to grab those coffee beans, the brewer, your favorite cup. You can bring only one. I've got more than plenty as you join me above. Grab some clean clothes now. Oh, and those shoes, we'll make art out of them.

It's time to level up, Discipline. Head on up that ladder now. It's time you become a full-time, above-ground inhabitor.

(Pause. For the record, identified, received, admitted. In the Courts of Heaven you've been lit up, electrified.)

So now my friends, whether you've known me a while or just met me, come along, if you will. It's high time we all begin. It's time to study and learn about this long word, this thing we call Discipline.

And then, as with anything we're learning; implementation, activation, and practice must be a part of what we do.

So please, take a break from your reading, just for a moment or two. Grab a fresh bottle of water, maybe coffee or tea. That favorite snack will also nicely coincide. Then, grab a notebook, your favorite ink pen, make sure you have your Bible, a dictionary. Come back with intention. Come back ready for the next chapter, ready to focus, ready to dive in.

Hold up. Just one second before we part for a few moments. There it is again.

Did you feel that? I'm telling you, my foundation, it's shifting. Realigning according to the original blueprints of the Master Builder, my Carpenter Friend.

Pay close attention now. I bet yours is shifting, too. Find your original blueprints, grab a broom and head down to your own basement floor. Grab the floodlight. Light up that room.