Ch.5 - With Fear I Fight

Hey, Discipline, are you all packed up? Are you ready to go? Yes, I said go. Remember, we just talked about the fact that you shouldn't be resident down here below. It's high time we move, move you on up top. There's no deluxe apartment, but it's definitely brighter up closer to the sky.

You see that ladder over there? Yes, I know there's only one. Only one way out of the murk and the mire. One way is all that's needed. One little ladder with five simple rungs. Count them with me now; one, two, three, four, five. Five with which we'll ascend to your new place of residence, a much cleaner space, definitely safer than this place.

Aha. I saw that expression you just made on your face. But without knowing you, I can't really tell if it was a grimace, a frown, or a half-curled smile you just can't erase.

What did you say? What was that? Did you mutter some words? You'll have to speak up, speak clearer. Sound echoes loudly down here.

I'm sorry. Say what? This time I heard you, but I'm a little confused. You said you can't walk? You've got to be kidding me! You can't climb either? Why? Just tell me, how in the world did you become lame, having no legs with which to walk and no feet to take you to any place safe?

And how is it, no arms either with which to hold anyone tight? No hands? I'm trying desperately trying to understand it. How are you going to get up there from here if you can't climb that small five-rung ladder?

Wow, I'm so sorry I asked. I'm taken back a bit. You have nary an extremity to remove you from this dark and dreadful place of calamity? I don't understand; how could this have happened?

I guess it's par for the course, though. Dysfunction loves dark places, dark places and shadows. Dysfunction makes itself at home in places that breed discord. And even more than dark places or discord, dysfunction breeds something even more.

Dysfunction breeds immobility. It stops growth. It is known to cause all forward movement to cease and desist. Dysfunction leaves progress and resolution quite dead in their tracks. It tries to take you places, get you lost, and makes it difficult to find a way back without paying the cost.

Truth be told, nothing grows in dark places such as this root cellar here. Nothing can prosper where the Son doesn’t shine.

The very fact that you're here, though; the fact that you're even part of my foundation below means that someone attempted or honestly tried to plant you as a seed. Well, at least they tried, yes, indeed. I'm just glad you didn't shrivel up smaller or completely die.

And as such, it would appear that as you grew, albeit dysfunctional, whoever did plant you, at least they stopped often enough to give you some nourishment and maybe a sip of water or two. The time they spent, it was at least long enough that you did take some formation, but yet, unfortunately, they did not give you enough.

Something must have happened that eroded your stature. Tell me, please tell me, what happened to you?

I can't imagine how it must have been to feel like you were in a fight for your life. What I can speak to is just how long it's taken for me to realize it was you I was missing. Without you resident with me, there's been nearly nothing but frustration and strife, don't you see?

How did I miss all of this? Why didn't I find you down here sooner? So very many times I used to climb down to this place, to frolic and run. I didn't come here with a plan to find you. I had no clue what I was looking for then. I mean, I knew there were struggles. Everyone did. I just always kept right on moving, no matter what struggle faced me in life.

So I'm sorry for all the times I stepped on top or right over you. I simply missed you lying there under that thin layer of shallow dirt.

You know, it's crazy now to recollect that just the other day I thought it was Jesus who wrote you in the dirt there in front of me. I thought He created you, like He so often does, fashioning something out of nothing. I always think first creatively, and this time, you're right; I was wrong.

(Pause.)

Oh, yeah. Now, I get it. I realize what happened the other day, that moment when I tripped, before you appeared in front of me. I thought I tripped on my shoelace or some crack in the floor. But my shoelace wasn't that, and where there's one crack there's always more. It was you I tripped over that day, wasn't it? Just tell me this time I'm right.

My understanding is much clearer, to you God was directing my attention, Discipline. For without Him shining his floodlight on you, I would have missed you, you'd still be lying in that cold, dark floor beneath a thin layer of dirt.

So all this time I was thinking of all the other things I'd need to be addressing, the so many things I never learned. But in the here and the now, as He's brought me face to face with you, I've got a fresh understanding, a fresh revelation of His mercy and grace.

Even more I have come to a fresh understanding; learning doesn't just happen when a seed hits the ground. Learning doesn't come by instruction, with someone telling you this or that is what's absent.

In fact, learning begins when you take a seed and not only find good soil in which to plant it, but you return often to nourish and water it. Then, once you begin, you nourish and water it some more, and then stay right beside it until you're sure its growth soars.

Learning takes time, no matter what topic. Learning requires gentleness and meekness, assuredness, safety, too. Learning won't take root, I'm telling you it just won't grow in any place especially if one leaves out God's mercy and grace, that's for sure.

So I think I'm finally coming to a deep understanding this is just what happened to you. You were planted as a seed in my foundational view. And then, someone even came and brought you nourishment and then they watered you. But something happened, something brought a halt to your continued growth. They got too busy; I would venture a guess. There's no other reason that you would be left alone in this mess.

Can you tell me, am I right? Is that what halted your growth?

No, I hear you loud and clear. I'm not looking for something or someone to blame. I take responsibility, I do, for my failure and lack. It's not about pointing fingers or finding fault, that's so true. So fault finding, I refuse to pay homage to you.

And as for that hot breath I now feel on my neck. No matter how you cloak yourself, fear, I recognize you. Want a breath mint?

Fear? Yes, I have to admit. Fear comes at me quite often cloaked in all sorts of things. It haunts me, really, it taunts me, whisper words that I'm falling short or that I'm failing in almost everything.

Fear comes again and again just to rail me, to try and convince me that I'll lose everything again just as I did when my husband was murdered way back when.

If I were to be totally honest, fear taps my shoulder nearly every day, attempts to whisper rejection, to which my heart shimmers and sways. He even chuckles and bellows a hearty laugh, before he utters words such as, "give up, you just don't fit in."

Fear's desire, he wants to rob me of my confidence in Christ and then so much more.

You see, the five rungs in that ladder, in case you were wondering, five represents God's grace He continuously offers me, even in this dark place. It's grace that I know Jesus Himself granted me as I ventured to climb down in this place. And even more, it's grace to evict each and every thing that should down here no longer dwell.

Yeah, I know, Discipline. The problem is we humans. We struggle for some reason to afford the same grace and mercy of Jesus to our fellow man, or woman. Instead, we cast judgment, belittle, even argue with those we love. We accentuate their failures rather than lend a hand and help them rise above; rise above their shadowy place.

You see, it's true of me, too, like most other humans I'm aware of my struggles, my shortcomings, my failures. Most of us are fully aware of what we fail to do. Even the things we haven't learned yet, the lack of learning is not because we haven't desire to learn.

Life is not always so cut and dried. It's simply not always easy to pick up and learn what we may have inadvertently missed. Believe me, I've tried.

Let me say one more thing and then from this I'll change course. What if we threw away speaking or acting with tenderness, and what if we do the same with mercy and grace? What if we choose to sling hurtful words; or in emotion, we react and outwardly become quite angry?

I think I can say with confidence, unequivocally, we will stall all forward motion of those who desperately desire to grow and to change. Speaking those kinds of words will block them from going anywhere, let alone forward.

So now let me slow things down a bit. In fact, let's take some time to reassess. We've addressed much in these last several days. I'm glad I sat down, put a pen to a page to begin to write.

I'm most thankful for God's floodlight. I'm thankful for His mercy and grace that helped me find you. I pray as his floodlight continues to shine on, that it continues to show me just what and how I must fight.

So now in activation and practice, I'm adjusting my stance. Foot here, foot there, shoulder's width apart. Let me grab my sword, my shield, my helmet. Don't let me forget my boots. There's peace in them there shoes.

And although not part of the armor as listed, I believe it best that I pick up a shovel and a sheer. With all these things here, I'm ready. I'm ready to turn and fight.

I fight this fear now looming over me.

Fear, I tell you go, get on out of here!

(Frantically looking about.)

Did he go? Is he gone? Do you see fear lurking around? Am I now safe? Am I sound?

Yep, there he is.

I see you still standing there.

Like always, he's dug his heals into the concrete. It may take a little longer, more time than once, to utter the words to sending him scatter the opposite direction. I've got to tell him time in and time out to stop coming around here to stop coming at me.

So while warring against fear, I must not let my attention stray. I can't get distracted from understanding you, Discipline. That's fear's ultimate purpose here, to keep Discipline from me, my ability to focus lacking.

So here we go, no more standing round while you lie cold in the dirt. Let me bend, scoop you up, let me place you in here, yes, safely, in this pocket of my T-shirt.

Nestle down now, however you can, nice and snug. This ride might get a little bumpy, especially when I start the climb.

Don't forget, while you're all nestled safe and snuggled in, that I'm still warring. Hold on tight. Yes, I promise, I'll keep my eyes open. I am aware that I'm fighting for both of us.

I won't give up the fight.

All right, here we go. Step left, step right. We've gone from stoop and bend to nestled in. Warring fear strong in the face.

Go on fear, get out of this place!

It's high time we get up out of here. I know, there are more things left to explore; likely, more hordes to identify and yet many more. But for now, it's Jesus on whom I place my focus, all my attention.

For Jesus with you, I will master this lesson.

Off we go, off to that ladder. Up to level ground again with my new friend, Discipline.

Quickly now. Pick up the pace. Up we go, one rung, two rungs, three, then four. Whew, almost dropped you right back down again to the cold hard floor.

There, I got you. Tuck you back in just a bit.

Yes, I promise, it will be okay. Just one rung more.

Hoist you right on up.

There we go; rung five.

(Crossing the threshold through the trap door.)

Whew, we made it. We scored a home run! Most important measure of all competitions is keeping track of the score. This particular score goes a little like this:

Lisa, one; enemy horde, zero.

All right, Discipline. Sit down right there. Here's a glass of water. It's quite fresh and crisp. I drew it straight from the cistern which comes from a well called, "Living Water". Take a sip.

Yeah, I know. Right! There's nothing like getting water directly from the Source.

"Gulp."

Well, then, was it good to the very last drop? You must have been thirsty. Would you like a cup more?

There. Stay hydrated, my friend, for in those drops, you'll find everything that you need. From there, healing and miracles will flow in and through you, yes indeed.

All right. Take a moment. It's time for nourishment, too. We've got to get you some protein to build up your strength. Refire those cells.

See that big piece of steak?. It's not battered nor is it fried. I brought you a fork and knife, thinking you'd need it to cut that thing down to size. No embarrassment, but without hands, it appears I'll have to spoon feed you.

All right. You're getting full? I can most definitely tell. I can now see what your real color you are as it's returning rather nicely to your face. I can see your strength returning.

But hey, if you would, slow down just a little, please. Chew, chew, chew.

Take one more swallow of that drink, and then yes, you can have another bite or two.

After that bite, let's take just a moment to catch our breath. I've got some questions I need to ask of you.

I need to know and understand the why, the how, the who, and all the things that make you what you are, Discipline. If you are honestly to become my friend, my closest ally, I've got to bring you closer in, so much closer than you've ever been.

And within this closeness, I'm listening. Discipline, please tell me, who are you?